lists-books to write

Age of Binding (info-overload) * "findability": http://www.boxesandarrows.com//archives/the_age_of_findability.php

some stuff you might like to know

dimensions

neuro ops

tips for nerds

scope notes: i had a pretty rough time for some times in the past. i wouldn't claim that i have acheived even average social skills now, but i do believe that i learned a few small things along the way which i'd like to pass on to others like me. but be warned that this is the blind leading the blind.

• smile, and when appropriate, say hello
• a person i know has reported that people s/he thought didn't like him when he passed them in the hallway, but that once s/he started smiling and saying hello to them, they smiled and said hello back
• the default attitude towards new people is neutrality. if two people have been introduced but don't know each other well, it often happens that neither of them "make the first move" and that one or both of them perceives the other as "aloof" or "cold". you can break the cycle by smiling and saying hello
• you may be saying, c'mon, i don't want to smile too much. i wish i could say you can never smile too much, but that's not true. in some groups/situations you shouldn't smile much, and even in groups where most people respond well to lots of smiling, a few people will be annoyed by it
• ask questions to other people about things that they will be interested to answer
• there is some weird continuity rule in conversations
• although some social groups tip from topic to topic so fast that it can be hard to even keep up, and by the time you get a chance to speak, the thing you wanted to say is now offtopic -- this is disconcerting to some nerds because nerds sometimes are focused on the actual content of the conversation, whereas other groups are just conversing "for fun" -- they don't care if "something important" or "interesting" was left unsaid because the conversation turned away at just the wrong moment
• compliment people (when appropriate). example: "nice dress". it's your choice, but i recommend that you don't make up compliments that you don't mean. but if you find yourself thinking, "that's a nice dress" or "that person did something that i thought was really cool/kind/smart", then (assuming you have an opportunity to do so), it's a good time to say something to the person: "i like your dress" or "i liked how you did that". (you may substitute slang as appropriate)
• slang: i'm really bad with slang so i'm not the one to ask about this. in fact, not only am i incapable of using slang in a cool way, but i even find myself using slang that i hate, against my will, after being exposed to it for too long (of course after this amount of time it's no longer even cool!).
• some people just don't like some other people -- not necessarily because they have any good reason, but because the other person rubs them the wrong way . there is no consensus on whether it's okay to be cold to people who get on your nerves, or whether you should always try to be "nice" to everyone. in any case, you can be sure that some other people won't like you, so try to get used to it.
• if everyone (or most everyone) hates you in your social environment, try to go somewhere else. if you're a kid, go away to camp in the summer, and/or switch schools. sometimes one person becomes an outcast through sheer bad luck, or by the close-mindedness of the other people in their social environment. other times, the person has some bad{{while some "bad habits" are probably universally loathed (extreme case: pooping in public), many can be argued to be principaled decisions not to conform -- the word "bad" here is just a shorthand for habits tending to lead to rejection by the group, it's not intended to mean ethically bad things}} habits, whether clueless or irritating or both (cluelessness itself can be irritating). often it's a mix.

    if you have bad habits and you move, you'll probably carry with you some of the same habits that got you into trouble in the old social environment, which will give you an increased probability of being rejected in the new environment. still, at least you'll probably get an initial timeperiod of being treated like a normal human being, which will allow you to better act like one (this learning is both in terms of conscious data and unconscious programming; consciously, you'll get more information on how normal people interact when they're not busy being mean to you; unconsciously, your instincts will receive signals that you are a normal person (as opposed to an outcast), which will program you to unconsciously send signals saying that you are normal).

    anyway, given an infinite number of chances at a new start, you'd be sure to figure things out eventually, right?{{un-nerdy types will think this argument is particularly nerdy, and nerdy types might be unconvinced, because you will in fact have not an infinite, but rather a small finite number of tries. well, luckily, a small finite number of tries is usually enough}}

    related: try to maximize your time interacting with other people (in person). if you read a lot or spend a lot of time on the computer or working on solo projects, consider doing that less for a few years in order to free up time for activities involving interacting with other people

• guides like this are always dated because social mores change over time. feel free to see something in here that is outdated and say, "that's stupid, what a dorky thing to do!", and then ignore it.
• TV is a pretty good way to learn about basic social mores, especially sitcoms, for the reasons you expect: you can see and hear everything, you can relax and take in what's going on without having to think of what you're going to say next, and there are "cool" or at least "normal" characters who give examples of "the right thing" to do in many social situations. but beware: the goals of the show writers are not to provide good examples for you to learn, although sometimes that may be an accidental side effect. often the writers concoct deliberately twisted or abnormal characters and social situations, or they make characters do something unwise for the sake of drama (for example, drink/do drugs/have sex/insult people/be dramatic/be enthusiastic too much/at the wrong times/in a stupid way). in fact, one theory that some older people have about why "kids these days" behave badly is that they model themselves after the unreality they see on tv. update: so apparently reality tv is replacing sitcoms; but most of this paragraph still applies.
• there is a stigma against "faking" or "not being yourself" or "trying too hard", that is, deliberately altering your personality for the sake of gaining social prestige. you'll find, though, that some "cool" people often tailor their mannerisms to fit what's cool, and that even "normal" people often conform to social norms by avoiding especially uncool things. so where do you draw the line? it's very tough to say, and it differs by social group too.

  infuriatingly, sometimes "cool" people who are pretty clearly putting a large priority on being cool are able to use their superior social skills to successfully accuse unpopular targets of "trying too hard" when they try to conform in some minor way.   

• a related but different case is adopting something that you think is cool but that the group doesn't (one way this can happen is that you don't adopt it until after it has transitioned from cool to uncool ("not with it", "that's so last year"). this is also sorta seen as "trying too hard", but for a different reason.
• if you are a reject, fix your body language. humans are apes, and apes subconsciously broadcast their position in the social hierarchy. if you slump over and look down and don't meet people's eyes and speak softly and trail off at the end of sentences, you are broadcasting "submissive" signals. there are some groups where this is perfectly fine and perhaps even good practice, but i don't think this is the norm.

In 'normal' groups, where submissive posture is looked down upon somewhat, it's still possible to be cool in a way that includes submissive postures, but this is not for beginners; generally only people with significant social skills can manage this (and even they are required to have the ability to switch to a dominant posture in "appropriate" situations, although what constitutes appropriate varies by group).